Stories of LGBTQ Persons – Part 4: Open Gender Parenting
Galatians: 3:26-29
(Main preacher today: Our daughter Sarah)
July 14, 2024
This is the fourth in a series of messages I’ve done highlighting stories from LGBTQ persons. Three weeks ago we heard from Em Norwood and her non-binary journey. Two weeks ago we heard from Heather Hasch and her trans journey. Last week we heard from Bill and Mark and Sven. Today, I’ve invited our daughter Sarah to speak to us. She has been a Montessori teacher. In fact, she’s starting a new Montessori micro school a year from this fall. Sarah has also served as the Associate Pastor at her Mennonite Church in Baltimore for a few years. Lori and I are so proud of our amazing daughter and look forward to the message she will be bringing to us today.
How does God see you? When you come before God as Parent in prayer, or when you sit in these pews on Sunday morning, or when you are going about your quotidian days, how does God see you?
It was spring of 2019. My wife, Ali, and I had both been teaching for a decade and I was pregnant with our first child. In our years of teaching, we had both witnessed in so many forms the negative effects of gender stereotypes on our students. As a soon-to-be parent, one question that kept surfacing for me was, “How do I protect this child in my womb from breathing the toxicity of gender stereotypes?”
You probably can agree with me that gender stereotypes do a significant amount of damage in our society. From limiting a child’s play choices to influencing a child’s ultimate career choices, gender stereotypes are both pervasive and harmful to children of all genders.
For those of you who are parents or grandparents or professionals helping children, you may be actively working to mitigate and rectify that damage with the young people in your life. Some of you are raising your granddaughters to be strong and to think for themselves, and some of you are teaching your sons to be feminists. Some of you are having thoughtful conversations with your students. Some of you are carefully examining your own interactions with young people for where societal gender expectations are encoded into them. Some of you are listening to sermons around gender and queer identity that might be challenging your own frameworks, and yet, you are still listening.
So back in 2019, as parents-to-be, we began to realize that there is a huge range of wonderful parenting choices that any of us as parents can make, and some of them are mutually exclusive without making either option wrong. They’re just choices. And in that process of making choices, my wife, Ali and I came to a parenting decision that in all honesty, we had never encountered, and it is a decision that you may not have encountered yet either.
As we anticipated having children and we read the research around parenting and gender stereotypes, we decided to use something called “open-gender parenting” as one of many tools to continue the work of mitigating the damage done by gender stereotypes in our society.
What is open-gender parenting? We didn’t have a clue. In fact, I didn’t even know it was called that or that anyone else was doing such a thing.
Our initial decision was simply to use all pronouns for our children for the sake of countering gender stereotypes. As I began to share what I was thinking with others, friends let me know that we were not alone as parents, that other families had come to the same decision and that a name for this decision was just beginning to form–open-gender parenting. After some exploring and chatting with other families, what this decision came to mean for us was four-fold.
First, it meant that we were going to use they/them pronouns for each of our children until they expressed a preference for another pronoun. We would use they/them pronouns to represent that gender is not a binary, and there are more than two options.
Second, it meant that we didn’t share the apparent sex of our children. In our society, gender is often seen as being solely determined by the sex organs a child has on the outside of their body. But we see gender as something much broader and not directly related to those organs. In order to avoid confusion, we chose not to share details about those organs.
Third, it meant that our children were given the option to wear colors and styles of attire with no regard for the gender for which they were intended, and given a variety of toys.
Fourth, it means trusting that our children will discern their own gender identity, their own use of pronouns, and they will tell the world when they are ready.
How did your parents see you? When your parents thought of you, what words came to their mind? And how does God see you? Paul, writing to the church in Galatia, says to the followers of Jesus, you are children of God. How does God as Parent see you? How is the way God sees you similar to the way your parents saw you? How is the way God sees you so very different from the way your parents saw you? You, you child of God, how does God see you?
And so, in the spring of 2019, Ali and I came to a decision to attempt to see our child-to-be outside of the sex indicator on their birth certificate. I want to be clear that I’m not aiming to persuade anyone that this is the right choice. Statistically speaking, if you are a parent, you probably did not choose to practice open-gender parenting. And that’s great. I completely respect the parenting decisions you made or are making, because I know that all of us are working hard to be the best parents we can. But in that spring, Ali and I came to the decision to practice open-gender parenting because of our background observing our students in the classroom and because of the research around gender and children. When exploring this research, we found two things of note that I’d love to share with you. One was that parents, even when fully intending to subvert gender stereotypes, are the most influential perpetuators of gender-based limitations and expectations. This is important to note, because Ali and I made this decision to practice open-gender parenting primarily to curb our own harmful gendering behaviors.
The second was that there is strong evidence that gender stereotypes which translate into gender-based limitations and expectations limit and harm all children’s development. Hence, we chose open-gender parenting as one tool that could mitigate that damage regardless of our child’s gender identity.
According to the research, a parent’s perception of a child’s gender directly impacts a child’s development. Even when the parents’ desire is to oppose the perpetuation of gender stereotypes, their everyday language and interactions with children include ingrained assumptions based on gender. Research has shown that from as early as 24 hours after a child is born, parents begin to have different expectations of sons and daughters. Often, parents are unaware that they are treating boys and girls differently. In fact, parents in more gender-egalitarian societies are more likely to deny that they stereotype their child based on gender, despite the research that confirms that implicit and explicit stereotyping occurs regardless of family values.
Beginning at infancy, parents provide toys and clothing based on gender, although research has indicated gender similarities in infants’ preferences for colors, shapes, and objects. Often unbeknownst to the parents themselves, parents hold gendered ideas of a child’s ability that are not actual consistent with child development. According to developmental norms, children of both genders reach early motor milestones such as sitting, crawling, and walking at roughly the same age. Despite this, parents of 11-month-old infants over-estimate the crawling ability of boys and underestimate the crawling ability of girls. Parents of boys expect infants to descend steeper slopes than parents of girls, to be more successful at the slopes than parents of girls, and to attempt riskier slopes, while girls are limited to safe slopes. In this one study, in relation to the child’s motor ability, on average, parents expected their girls to fail at tasks in which in actuality girls had a 100% probability of success, and expected their boys to succeed at tasks in which the child had a 0% probability of success. That’s parents with 11-month olds! Not even one year yet!
And this is just the tip of the iceberg of the research on gender stereotyping and babies. We can turn to the research on gender stereotyping and toddlers in which research has found that parents of toddlers are more likely to respond in reinforcing ways to their son’s expression of anger, but tend to ignore or inhibit their daughter’s expression of anger. Parents are more likely to ask boys to control “unnecessary” crying and to ask boys not to show fear.
The research doesn’t stop at toddlerhood, and parents continue to perpetuate gender stereotypes as the kids enter the preschool and elementary years, but for the sake of time, let’s pause and let’s chat for a minute around the question, what effect does gender stereotyping have on a child?
By the age of 4, children already have a connotation that sadness and fear are more often expressed by girls, and anger is more often expressed by boys. Children thus have a stereotype of emotions attached to gender, limiting their own expression of emotion. Additionally, boys expect their parents to disapprove of expressions of sadness more than girls, and girls expect their parents to disapprove expressions of anger more than boys. By the age of six, research has shown still today in 2024, girls are less likely than boys to believe that members of their gender are “really, really, smart”, and they are more likely to avoid participating in activities labeled for children who are “really, really smart.” Children of both genders view traits such as “intelligence” and “genius” as masculine traits, and “niceness” as feminine.
I could continue, but let’s pause…What was your experience with gender as a child? What were you told of yourself–implicitly or explicitly–that may not have been true to yourself but rather was simply a perpetuation of gender stereotypes? What was the work you did for yourself or in yourself growing up to counter those messages? When people saw you, were they able to see you as you, or you bound within gender? How is it similar or different for children today?
And when you were a child, how did God see you? Was your perception as a child of God’s perception of you at all interrelated to society’s perception and expectation of you based on your gender? And you, you child of God, sitting here today how does God see you?
Open-gender parenting is an exercise for myself, as an adult, as a parent, to constantly bring to the forefront of my attention the reality that I do not know the gender of our children. Nor do I yet know the gender expression of our children. Open-gender parenting is an exercise for myself to challenge the gender stereotypes that are so rampant within our society, but not only within society, but also within myself. Open-gender parenting is an exercise for myself to challenge my implicit bias. Open-gender parenting is work, is hard, is constantly asking me to reimagine, and yet, I believe it has been fruitful.
In the fall of 2019, we welcomed our little one into the world. Minutes after the birth, the ER attendant filling out the computerized form asked, “Boy or girl?” and we shared, “We’re not saying.” The ER attendant replied, “I have to put a gender. Which is it?” The pediatric nurse responded, “You don’t have to choose. Just put, ‘Baby.’” And so, with that baby of ours, named Saima, we began practicing open-gender parenting.
In the first months, there was a part of my brain that thought often about the sex of our child. As a parent of a newborn, you often get asked the question, “A boy or a girl?” In those moments, I was faced with multiple options. Sometimes, I answered, “A girl.” Sometimes, I answered, “A boy.” Yet in answering in one of these two ways, I knew that the person asking the question would then presume that they knew something about my child. Sometimes, I would answer, “We’re doing this really weird thing …” I would then go on to explain open-gender parenting, talking about gender stereotypes and the difference between sex and gender. I remember one very kind thrift store clerk who allowed her line to grow much too long while I explained open-gender parenting. Each time I was asked the question, though, there was a part of me that, in my head, answered the question in the way society expected me to, in a manner aligned with my child’s anatomy. Thus, in the first months, as the question was asked over and over and over again, a part of me continued to remind myself, “But actually, your baby is a …”
In those first months, I saw my child through the lens of their anatomy. Why? Maybe it was the repeated questioning, or maybe it could have also been because I wanted so badly to “know” my child when there was so little to know about them. I knew when they wanted to eat. I knew when their diaper was wet. I knew when they were tired. But I wanted to “know” my child. On some level, I believed the lie that their anatomy would tell me something about who my child was on the inside.
Time passed. I’m not sure when exactly the transition occurred. Was it when they first smiled? Or began to giggle? I’m not exactly sure, but I felt like I began to “know” my child, little by little. I didn’t need to hold onto the lie that their anatomy provided inside knowledge of anything. I began to know my child for who they were. I began to know that my child loved vehicles, not because they were a boy, but because they were who they were. I began to know that my child loved wearing dresses, not because they were a girl, but because they were who they were. I began to know them as my beloved child. My beloved child who loves figuring out how things work and will–with gusto– take something apart to see the inner workings. My beloved child who loves playing with their sibling Bene, and talking with friends, family, and teachers (and also with strangers) and eagerly greets neighbors on the street. My beloved child who loves teaching others and giving gifts to others. I began to know them for who they are.
Back to Galatia, in modern day Turkey, where Paul is writing to the churches that he had a hand in starting a few years prior. Paul writes, “You were all baptized into Christ, and so you were all clothed with Christ. This shows that you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. Now, in Christ, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Greek, a slave or free, male or female. You are all the same in Christ Jesus.” (ERV)
On some level, Paul is saying to the church in Galatia, “Children of God, you are in Christ, and God as Parent is practicing open-gender parenting. God is not seeing you for who society says you are or who society says you should be. Rather, God as Parent is seeing you. You. You. God’s beloved child. You. You who loves dresses because you love dresses. You who loves vehicles because you love vehicles. You. For who you are. Not when you are somebody else, or doing how you’re supposed to be doing, or being how you’re supposed to be being in society. No you. Now in Christ, it doesn’t matter, male or female, you are a child of God. You.”
Almost five years into open gender parenting, I realize what a gift it has been. Is it perfect? By no means. Is it effectively complicating many people’s perception of our child’s gender, challenging adult assumptions, including perceptions within ourselves as parents, yes. Is our child experiencing the world differently than a child whose parents are not practicing open-gender parenting? I believe so. Am I constantly in awe of what I am learning from my child? Yes, but maybe that’s just being a parent.
Open-gender parenting is an exercise for us, as adults, to constantly bring to the forefront of our attention the reality that we do not know the gender of our children, that children know themselves best, to constantly reflect on how what we are saying may be perpetuating gender stereotypes and to work to mitigate the presence of gender stereotypes, to constantly attempt to see the child rather than the gender constructs. Open-gender parenting is an exercise, is a work that doesn’t come easily. But, I do believe it has been and continues to be a meaningful work.
How does God see you? If God was indeed practicing open-gender parenting, how would She see you differently? What would that mean?
And when you come before God as Parent in prayer, or when you sit in these pews on Sunday morning, or when you are going about your quotidian days, how does God see you? You, you! You, Their beloved child.
Let us pray.
