July 28: Dying Well (Part 2) with Lori Tupper

Dying Well – Part 2 (preached with Lori Tupper who reads bold print)

Ecclesiastes 9: 1-12

July 28, 2024

This is the second in a two part series on Dying Well. My wonderful wife Lori will be sharing her story along with me.

Our Scripture reading today comes from a teacher who lived a couple hundred years before Jesus. He was a bit Radical for his time, maybe for any time. He challenged the status quo understanding.

Let’s imagine Ecclesiastes engaging in a debate with a Traditional Teacher of the time. Lori will play the role of Ecclesiastes. I will play the role of the Traditional Teacher.

Traditional Teacher starts with: I’m so thankful that the good are rewarded with a long, rich life.

Ecclesiastes responds: “There is no connection between the length of our life and our goodness.”

Traditional Teacher: Of course there is a connection. God always rewards the good and punishes the bad. Therefore, God will reward the good with a long rich life.

Ecclesiastes says: “I believe exactly the same thing will finally happen to all of us, whether we live right and respect God or sin and don’t respect God.”

Traditional Teacher: O’kay, I agree we all die. But I still believe that the good are always rewarded with a long, rich life. Otherwise, we would always live in fear of death or we would be apathetic about life.”

Ecclesiastes says: “No. my belief that we will all die regardless of our goodness leads me to embrace life. I say: Be happy and enjoy eating and drinking. Life is short and so enjoy it. Work hard at whatever you do. Celebrate life. Invest in your life today for we don’t know how long it will be.”

I came across this story found in the book My Name is Asher Lev written by Chaim Potok many years ago. It highlights what Ecclesiastes is saying about celebrating and investing in life considering the certainty of our death.  Lori will play the role of the six-year-old Asher Lev:

“I came across a bird lying on its side by the curb near our home. ‘Is it dead, Papa?’ I could not bring myself to look at it.

‘Yes,’

‘Why did it die?’

‘Everything that lives must die.’

‘Everything?’

‘Yes’

‘You too Papa? And Mama?’

‘Yes’

‘And me too? Why?’

‘That’s the way the God of the Universe made the world, Asher.’

‘Why?’

‘So life would be precious, Asher. Something that is yours forever is never precious.’

Those words echo the thoughts of Ecclesiastes. They also remind of some of the thoughts of my amazing wife Lori as she has faced a terminal diagnosis. Let’s listen to her tell her story.

I would like to dedicate this portion of the message to Jo.  Jo died about 10 weeks ago.  She was a member of a death and dying support group that I attend.  I’m sad that she is no longer with us when we meet.

Every morning, I wake up and walk the line to the bathroom (as most people do), but 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, the line became a tightrope.

My balance became very important to me as the cancer has spread to my bones, making them vulnerable to falls.  On one side of my tightrope, I see the end goal of “Living well,” and on the other side of my tightrope, I see the end goal of “Dying well.”  Every day, I try to hold to both concepts tightly, knowing full well that a fall could affect my end game.

What does it mean to me to “Live well?”  I started working “tax-contributing” jobs when I was 15 years old and worked until I was 59 (with 3 years off for parenting, school, cancer treatment, and travel.)  So, I feel like it is okay for me to do the things I enjoy in my retirement.  That means for me I spend my days with friends, reading, writing, playing mindless games on my phone, watching television, entertaining friends, dancing, visiting my grandkids (and my kids), cooking, baking, and several other “fun” things.  I am blessed to be able to surround myself with people who enjoy many of the same things I enjoy and people who radiate positive energy.  I have gradually eliminated negative-energy “radiators,” and find each day filled with happiness and joy!

Another aspect of “living well” for me is intense celebrations of a life well-enjoyed.  My first celebration was in August, 2022 which was one of the happiest days of my life.  Many people came to celebrate ME which reinforced to me how many blessings I have been granted since July 10,1959.  

Because my quarterly scans have been “stable” (meaning no spreading of cancer), I have decided to “step-up” my “living well” with more parties. 

I had my second celebration of life (Take 2) yesterday.  I hope if you were able to come that you enjoyed yourself.

This party was also part of my “dying well” regimen.  What is the most important thing we feel when we are dying?  My answer is, “it is important for me to know that I was loved and that I made a difference by being here.”

Another important part of my “dying well,” regimen was finding a support group that lifted my spirits and that was willing to dialog honestly about our unique journeys.  I have found that support group through the Commonweal Organization based in California.  I am a part of a zoom support group that meets twice a month.  We are comprised of four members with terminal diagnoses and three facilitators that are certified “death doulas.”  It is such a gift to meet with these people and discuss our mortality and what it is teaching us.  These precious people have taught me more than I could ever have learned on my own.  But I think what I appreciate most is the positivity present in the spirit of these seven souls.  Our group is called, “Dying without the elephant (in the room)” and we have recognized many feelings of struggle, resilience, pains, anticipations, dreads, tolerances, but mostly appreciation, happiness, euphoria, and acceptance.

Our front steps this morning are adorned with three animals that have become representative of our terminal illnesses in our support group.

We have Ellie the elephant to represent death in our “dying without the elephant” group.

We have Rio the rhinoceros to represent the side effects of our illnesses.  Members of the support group may refer to their “rhinoceros acting up,”  which might be code for “the side effects of my illness were a huge challenge for me this week.”

AND, we have Peggy the Pegasus to represent the “gifts” of our terminal illnesses.  Gifts?  What gifts could possibly be associated with any terminal illnesses?

 Well,  THAT is what I really want you to pay attention to in this message.   Let me share with you the gifts I have discovered in the last 2 ½ years…

…I get to tell my friends and family how much I love them and how much I will miss them.

…I get to apologize for things that I may have done to hurt others.

…I get to thank people for being in my life and for helping to create who I am and the part they have played in my awesome life experiences.

…I get to deliberate for days, weeks, or months about special gifts I want to buy special friends and family that will hopefully help them to remember and feel close to me for the rest of their lives.

…I get to tell people I love them as much as I want to.  My days are numbered and it makes sense for me to put those words out there as much as possible.

…I get to focus on the legacy I want to leave behind.  For me, my legacy Is my books so my family can read my “crazy stories” for many years to come.

…I get to choose how I want my death to be and choose who will surround me as I embrace this sacred transition.

…I get to have these really awesome party celebrations to celebrate who I am with people who actually like me.  Cause the ones who don’t like me (there ARE a few) don’t come to my parties.

…I get to model to my world a way to die well and maybe help alleviate the fear of dying for others.

…I get to have fun just doing the things I’m doing (traveling, spending time with grandkids, lots of lunches with people I love)

…Every moment with my soulmate, Michael is special and moments that we try to mindfully appreciate as they happen.

…I get to say “no” to anything and people are okay with that

…I get to connect with others who are terminally ill and have conversations that lift my spirit and connects me to the core of others

…I get to prepare my spirit energy for something bigger and better!

Another task I assigned myself to “die well,” was to find myself a death doula, which I am extremely happy to be able to say I have. Actually, Valerie Conlin-Losinski from this church has agreed to be my death doula and I feel honored to have her walking this journey with me (Have Valerie stand). She is a kind, listening, gentle, person with a strong faith and giving ways…I feel incredibly blessed to have her in my life!

There are many other things I am working on to “die well.”  I completed my third book shortly after I was diagnosed and am presently working on some other writing “projects.”

Perhaps the most important thing I am doing is trying to spend as much time as I can with my five grandchildren.  I really want to live long enough for them all to remember me.

In 2022, after I was diagnosed, I spent an entire week home alone grieving.  I walked (stomped, at times) around the house sobbing and wailing.  And then I would rest for a bit before doing more of the same.

But then the tightrope appeared and I realized I was about to learn and experience things I would never have experienced without my diagnosis.  And then, one day it became clear that a new balance was necessary in my life.

And, for that, I am incredibly thankful!  As I walk the line back from the bathroom each morning to my bed (usually to crawl back in bed to cuddle with my soulmate), I know that when I get up to begin my day, I will walk my tightrope of balance.